Can I Pull It Out With My Teeth?

Fun...with fire!



CD Bubbles. Old but fun. And I did it at a party the other night.



This one features a potty mouthed young lady.

Billy Mays: RIP

Hat tip Bill, via TMZ.com.

There won't be wall to wall coverage for Billy Mays. There probably won't be many "best of oxiclean" clips on cable news. But another king died today. The King of Pitch was only 50 years old and had plenty of time to surpass Ron Popeil as the greatest of all time.

Dismissed early in his career as a Bluto-like blusterer with no staying power - Billy showed them all he meant business when followed up the Orange Clean with Oxi Clean. And who could forget the kaboom! success in sweaty late night appearances on the Home Shopping Network. Heady days those...

Like Barry Sanders retiring too early, the passing of Billy Mays leaves us with a massive hole in "as seen on TV" advertising.

Sham-Wow guy, you have some mighty big shoes to fill.

Billy, you made me stop surfing a few times when almost no one else could have.

NBA Draft: Suit Review

New money. New suits. Class...still a few years away. These guys are not "the most interesting man in the world" candidates in these threads (Dos Equis reference).

From the bleachreport.

Autin Daye, new Detroit Piston, is 6'10" and weighs 195 pounds.


Jrue Holiday, his name is missing a vowel and his suit is missing...something.


Stay thirsty my friends!



OK, here's the commercial.

Tornado

OK, it was technically a water spout. As I walked out of my office on NAS Jacksonville this afternoon, I was staring a huge tornado about 1 mile away.

Either way it was totally awesome. Some of my co-workers got better shots with real cameras.




Here is a shot from Firstcoastnews. NAS Jax is on the left and downtown Jacksonville is in the background.

The Curious Case Of Brooke Greenberg

She is 16 (see below in the arms of her younger sister), has the body of a 3 year old and still can't speak. Broke Greenberg still has baby teeth but her bones are like a 10 year old. Does she have the fountain of youth gene?

...doctors are hoping to use Brooke's case to figure out the genetics behind aging. Dr. Richard Walker of the University of South Florida and geneticist Maxine Sutcliffe believe that Brooke has a genetic mutation that prevents her from aging. They are hoping to isolate the gene to figure out how it is that humans age.

"Without being sensational, I'd say this is an opportunity for us to answer the question, why we're mortal, or at least to test it," Walker told ABC. "And if we're wrong, we can discard it. But if we're right, we've got the golden ring."

Detroit Public School System Full Of Ghosts

By ghosts, they mean they are cutting checks for people who don't work there, literally. From today's Detroit Free Press.

A payroll audit this month at Detroit Public Schools turned up 257 names that will be subject to an investigation into so-called illegal ghost employees, officials said Tuesday.

All of the district's estimated 13,880 workers had to pick up paychecks or direct-deposit slips in person by June 12 as a first step in determining if anyone who is not on the payroll is collecting pay.

This is amazing. DPS made their employees go downtown to pick up their paychecks/direct deposit slips in what could be termed an "old school" audit of actual employees.

These incompetent bastards can't figure out who works there and they are entrusted with teaching kids...sad

I wonder if the ghosts will return the stimulus money Obama sent? Or were they considered "shovel ready" projects too?

OK I'll stop now.

Line 'em up!

Sham Pow: Update for Photos

Vince Shlomi, the Slap Chop and Sham Wow! guy beat the hell out of a prostitute in a hotel room after he alleged she bit his tongue. The before and after pics of the prostitute tell the story. The story broke over at the Smoking Gun a few months ago.

Here she is after a regular bust...

And here she is after getting sham pow'ed



Now she got her slaps in too...

Unboxing: Ungirlfriend, Unlife

Unboxing. I thought it had something to do with math. Then I saw apple dorks slobbering over the new i phone. This guy takes the cake.

I could call this guy a geek, but that would be slandering a lot of geeks. The thumb-stroking of his i-Phone at 3 minutes is slightly disturbing. And then we are treated to a little home video with his rubber ducky, piggy, and sex slave lion.

Faces Of Parkour

When I heard about Hillary Clinton busting her elbow I thought that it sounded like a free running crash. An elbow? Parkour idiots and old people break their fucking elbows. I'm sure I have more sympathy for Hillary than I do for those 5'5" ex-gymnasts who seem to do this in place of having girlfriends. I'll give you the opening to Casino Royale, but isn't that where it stopped being cool? If not then, it lost it when 45 year old fat asses started training for it in DC. When big tits Bob from Fight Club joins your free running class, it's time to find something else.



Maybe Obama is leading some Rose Garden free running and that is how Sotomayer broke her ankle. Something is up, or else Obama is picking the clumsiest fucking administration in history.

Fox's Hottest 40 Over 40...Again With The Tomei Snub

Last year, Fox News published it's hottest 40 over 40 and I was curious how they might miss Marissa Tomei. OK, this is pre-Wrestler and not many saw Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.

This year, a new hottest 40 and they did it again. Yes, they found Valerie Bertinelli, and she deserved it, but how in the hell does Sarah Jessica Parker get on that list again.


Where's Glenn Beck on this? If this doesn't qualify for the one thing...I just don't know.

Seinfeldian: Attorney Blames Woman's Death on Spray Tan

This is how George's prosecution would have looked for the death of his fiance after licking the tainted invitation envelopes.

MIAMI — A defense attorney has suggested that a spray tan might be to blame for the death of a 33-year-old South Florida woman whose husband is now facing a second-degree murder charge.

Prosecutors believe 36-year-old Aventura developer Adam Kaufman strangled his wife, Eleonora Kaufman, in November 2007. But during a bond hearing Tuesday, defense attorney Bill Matthewman floated a different theory.

So what would I add to the story to make it a complete episode? You would have to have this guy representing Kaufman...


Elaine could go on a $30,000 date with the mayor while the city is shut down for a lack of funds and Jerry could start a riot in France with a joke about Muslim youths.

Womens Softball and Mexican Pizza

Last night I watched the third inning of the women's college world series, AKA WCWS. I didn't set out to watch it but circumstances, and a table of 50-somethings trying to be cougers - who also happened to be sitting right below the TV with a MLB game, dictated that I turn the 45 degrees to spend a few quality minutes with the the Lady Gators and the Huskies, but I'm sure they use a name other than Lady Huskies.

Turning my shoulder to the aging cougars, I watched intently as the third inning began. It is a sport after all and I am a man eating a Mexican Pizza and drinking a beer.

Washington had three straight hits to start the inning and loaded the bases. The problem was that each of the hits were those those swinging bunts, where the oversized lime-green ball dribbles to a fielder whose hands are too small to make a good throw to first base.

Note to guys: You can't spill your beer chasing foul balls at the WCWS. Not that lime green ball. Not cool.

About a quarter of the way into the pizza, I realized it was really bland. No heat, no spices. Just like the game on TV.

Anyway, the next hitter sent a blast bouncing to the WCWS warning track, AKA the infield basepath. It squeaked through into center field. The throw to home was late and the catcher tried to catch a runner at second. That's when it got spicy.

The catcher uncorked her toss into deep center. The center fielder watched the errant toss sail and the base runners started flying like a herd of gazelles fleeing a hungry momma lion.

They were running up each others backs, and darting to and fro.

And I lost it. I yelled at the TV, "that's the best hit of the night number 3" and I started laughing. Controlled at first, then I noticed the ladies just staring at me, quiet now with their sloppy drunk eyes and I bursted. Food coming out of nose, face bright red, uncontrolled gut buster. The harder I tried to stop the more it came.

After about 30 seconds of this, I threw my napkin in the air and said, awww fuck.

Apparently, I drew the attention of the owner and he sat down with me and asked what the hell was so funny. I explained the situation and he got me some napkins and 2 free beers.

I settled down. The drunk ladies left. Gee I wonder why. And I had the place to myself.

Getting back to my mexican pizza, I noticed that towards the middle the jalapenos and onions really kicked the dish into gear. And working through my beer I ended up watching the game.

Quiet now, I realized that the ladies need to spice up their game a little more and the biggest problem is that damn ball. Does the WNBA play with bigger balls than the NBA? Do women golfers hit bigger balls than Tiger? Do women soccer players have bigger balls than the males? OK, bad example.

My point being that softball needs to right-size it's equipment. Just use a baseball. Better throwing. Better hitting. These ladies are athletes and they can handle a faster game. The Olympics didn't dump softball because they didn't have compelling players and stories. They dumped it because the game is flawed. There are lots of Olympic sports that are not competitive. There are something like 3 different biathlon medal events that the Scandi's win every time.

Fix the ball ladies and the Olympics will beg you to come back.

By the way here is the link to the third inning outburst that made me lose it.

I looked it up...they are the Lady Huskies. And they kicked Florida's ass 8 zip.

Garrett "Teddy" Townsend A Hometown Hero

I grew up not far from Teddy. I know the street where he saved a 7 year old boy from certain death. I didn't know Teddy personally, but I know who and what he is all about. I know him because these people were my neighbors growing up. From the Detroit Free Press

Garret Townsend, 58, died shortly after rescuing the 7-year-old boy, who had fallen into approximately 10 feet of water in a pit that had been dug for a new home's basement on the 3900 block of Miracles Boulevard.

Teddy didn't know how to swim. But I know there wasn't a seconds-worth of hesitation when he looked around and saw that he (and his life) was the only thing between that kid and a muddy grave.

Here is a picture of the pit after it was drained this morning.


The orange construction (snow) fence was added when they drained the pit.

Teddy's wife and daughter must know that his sacrifice was just part of his character. I know they won't ever be comforted, but he would not have wanted to live if he hadn't saved that child. That part of him that compelled him to jump into the dark water, was a big reason you loved him. That didn't die today.

God bless you Teddy and every one like you.

Contempating Suicide? Be Sure About It If You Are In China

From the Beeb

BEIJING (AP) - Chen Fuchao, a man heavily in debt, had been contemplating suicide on a bridge in southern China for hours when a passer-by came up, shook his hand - and pushed him off the ledge.

Chen fell 26 feet (8 meters) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion laid out by authorities and survived, suffering spine and elbow injuries, the official Xinhua News Agency said Saturday.

The passer-by, 66-year-old Lai Jiansheng, had been fed up with what he called Chen's "selfish activity," Xinhua said. Traffic around the Haizhu bridge in the city of Guangzhou had been backed up for five hours and police had cordoned off the area.

Several things jump out there.

1. Why in the hell are you trying to kill yourself off a 26-foot ledge? Call that disability point, not a suicide leap.

2. The guy was standing there for 5 hours? I agree with Lai, that is plenty of time to contemplate things. Dave Ramsey can fix your financial life in a 2.5 minute segment.

3. Most important. What kind of a protective air cushion causes spine and elbow injuries when you fall from 26 feet? If this happened in America, Chen would be a fucking millionaire, pay off his bad construction debt and go on the Rodney King talk show circuit.

Apparently, Lai was seen saluting the crowd in TV after Chen bounced. That doesn't fit my stoic buddist image of Chen, but it is TV.

Explains Lai:

I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish," the newspaper quoted Mr Lai as saying.

Their action violates a lot of public interests. They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals.

And then this explains everything.

The bridge has gained a macabre reputation, attracting at least 12 would-be suicide jumpers since the start of April, according to the China Daily report.

None of the 12 has jumped, although each has held up traffic for several hours, it said.

How 'bout some Obama haiku. The only rule is it must start like half of his phrases...In America

Using my Obama voice,

In America
people get suicidal
and jump from up high

In China the shame
is a wasted tragedy
and no body count

Banana Republic Leadership

From ABC News Jack Tripper.

A leading bankruptcy attorney representing hedge funds and money managers told ABC News Saturday that Steve Rattner, the leader of the Obama administration's Auto Industry Task Force, threatened one of the firms, an investment bank, that if it continued to oppose the administration's Chrysler bankruptcy plan, the White House would use the White House press corps to destroy its reputation.

This is amazing. Use the White House press corps to destroy people? Threatening private citizens? I've said this before and I'll say it again. This guy will end up making Nixon look like an amateur.

To quote our fearless negotiator in chief:

"While many stakeholders made sacrifices and worked constructively, I have to tell you some did not," the president said. "In particular, a group of investment firms and hedge funds decided to hold out...[for more than 29 cents on the dollar]."

A great ruler always governs from the gut. He can't be held back by constitutions or laws. He needs the flexibility to pick and choose. To make or eliminate rules. To threaten, if need be, to get things done. Law in a Banana Republic works that way. And it's for our own good. Kinda reminds me of a Hugo Chavez story from December.

The White House denies this report of course. And threatens anyone who repeats it with severe repercussions. When can we cancel the next election already?